Practicing Awareness.

My site coordinator sent this to me, and I thought it was worth sharing.

This is from Becca Stevens “Walking Bible Study: The Path of Peace”

John Elder, who wrote a beautiful treatise about why loving nature is a religious discipline said,

“Wilderness is not dependent upon a vast, unsettled tract of land. Rather, it is a quality of awareness, an openness to the light, to the seasons, and to nature’s perpetual renewal.”

To me that means we are called to see visions in the woods, not by changing the woods, but by changing the way we look at the woods. We can see God when we stand by the roots of an old and familiar tree, when we set boot on the bank of the great river Tigris, or when we find ourselves in deserted places we may not have chosen to travel. All the visions call us to peace and to not be afraid.

Nature is really about us being aware of what is around us and all its possibilities. It is about noticing subtle differences in the way the light shines or the different shades of green. It is beautiful to walk on huge, wild tracts of land; but it is not required to be in nature. We can practice being in nature, like any religious discipline, by practicing awareness.

As I was standing on the bank of the great river, the Tigris, I looked up and there before me was a man dressed in linen…. He said, …”Do not be afraid.” -Daniel 10:4-12, NIV

Toxic Toothpaste

My toothpaste is toxic.

My FDA approved toothpaste contains something that causes birth defects in boys, early onset puberty in girls, and last but not least.. cancer….. CANCER. (I’ll get back to that in a minute)

I went to a Presbyterians for Earth Care conference in Allenspark, Colorado and my world was shaken. I am undeniably changed because of what I learned at this conference.

I’ve always considered myself a lover of nature, and someone who cared for the environment… but this conference made me realize what a novice I am. I realized the degree to which I have turned a blind eye to issues that effect me, my loved ones, everyone on this Earth, and those yet to come to this Earth.

God calls us to be stewards of the Earth.

Genesis 2:15: The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.

He commanded Adam to serve and preserve the Earth. This was His first command to the first human on Earth.

What happened?

The Hebrew word that is used for keep in Genesis 2:15 is Shamar.

Shamar- loving, caring, sustaining, keeping

It is the same word used in Numbers 6:24 “The Lord bless you and keep you.”

So…. we are supposed to keep the Earth in the very same way we hope God will keep us. The very same way we hope God will love, care for, and sustain us….

Hmm… How are we doing?

We are putting carcinogens in toothpaste… we are spraying our crops with pesticides that are linked to hormonal issues (studies are showing that this same pesticide is causing male frogs to become female)… OH and our big, amazing solution for the oil spill in the Gulf is to spray toxic chemical dispersant into the water that causes the oil to ball up and sink below the surface.

What would it look like if God cared for us this way? Would God spray chemicals on our problems and just let our problems sink below the surface a bit so they aren’t quite so visible? Our problems would still be there… but we’d sure look pretty!

Heaven forbid God care for, love and sustain us the way we care for the Earth.

We are using the Earth like it can’t fail.. we take it for granted. Notice my use of  the word WE… it’s because I’m just as guilty … it stings as I type these things. The way we treat the Earth should be a major extension of our faith.

If God’s command to Adam is not enough, what about the Golden Rule?

What about the second most important commandment? Loving your Neighbor as yourself.

How do you define the word neighbor? I’ve been struggling with this as of late… are our neighbors the ones immediately around us? Or do our neighbors include the whole human family? Or do our neighbors include future generations… our furture children and grandchildren?

Or should we define “neighbor” as creation in it’s entirety?

Hey neighbor, here’s some toxic toothpaste that will increase your chances for cancer.

Why hello there neighbor, here’s some smoke in the air.. breathe it deep into your lungs.

Greetings neighbor, here’s a nice layer of chemicals on your food, the run off is gonna get in the waterways.. and then into your drinking water.. and eventually into the rain. But don’t worry… it may just screw with your hormones a bit, and possibly cause you to have fertility issues.. OH YEAH, and by the way… if you manage to have children, those chemicals are gonna be in your amniotic fluid.. so yeah.. it’s gonna effect your child too..

WHAT ARE WE DOING TO ONE ANOTHER??

Deuteronomy 28:1: And if you faithfully obey the voice of the LORD your God, being careful to do all his commandments that I command you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth.

Deuteronomy 28: 15-21 : But if you will not obey the voice of the LORD your God or be careful to do all his commandments and his statutes that I command you today, then all these curses shall come upon you and overtake you. Cursed shall you be in the city, and cursed shall you be in the field. Cursed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. Cursed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock. Cursed shall you be when you come in, and cursed shall you be when you go out.

Tough words to swallow, yeah?

I feel like these verses are a warning of what will happen if we do not take care of the Earth properly. I don’t think these are things God sends on us… but consequences of our own actions. These curses are the pollution in our land, the chemicals in our drinking water, rain, and amniotic fluid, they are the disappearing wetlands in Southern Louisiana…. they are the diseases that are side effects from our man made attempts to cut corners…

The Green Care Devotional Bible: God created humans to live as a harmonious part of the created order, as the caretakers of all that God made. When we as human beings forget that calling, the earth pays the price. Famine, drought, disease– these are not part of God’s intentions for the earth. They are what come from human selfishness and greed. When we pollute the air, the rain becomes toxic. When we pollute the water, the earth becomes toxic. When we pollute the earth, the earth’s resources become toxic. And when the earth suffers, people suffer. Our disobedience brings about devastation.

We have to stop this madness. Or at least attempt to.

Now back to carcinogens being in my toothpaste… The Last Straw.

When I found out there were carcinogens in my toothpaste, it was as if God took me by the face and said, “Now, Listen to me.” I was awakened from my apathetic, glazed over state.

If you know me well, you know this whole cancer thing isn’t a distant thing.. but something that hits home, and has effected the core of who I am. I knew someone who did nothing of his own volition to get cancer. He was healthy… he loved nature to the core of his being. But.. he got cancer.. the doctors couldn’t really pin point how he got it.. but the fact is he did, and he suffered greatly.. and so did everyone who loved him.

Usually the first reaction to cancer is to look to the sky and ask WHY? It becomes all God’s fault, or we convince ourselves  that there isn’t a God… because why would God be the creator of everything good AND cancer?

God didn’t put the carcinogens into fruits and vegetables.. God didn’t spray pesticides on our corn and expect us to deal with the disease… God didn’t make our air toxic, and our rain water full of chemicals…

WE have done all of that… In our pursuit of what?

Money?

Convenience?

And why the heck are the prices jacked up on all the organic / healthy options???

The system is such that those who are less fortunate don’t even have the choice to eat healthily. They don’t have access to Whole Foods or organic, locally grown food. They have to get the cheap heavily processed foods chocked full of chemicals and preservatives.

Also, I don’t want to forget that there are people that make their living off of using pesticides on their crops… their livelihood depends on using these chemicals and toxins…. They have to feed and take care of their families…

What are they supposed to do?

This is not a simple issue to fix, there are people’s lives invested on both sides of the issue…

it is a complex issue.. and I can’t stress that enough…

It’s a screwed up, flawed world… and it’s not OK.

These are things that have been swimming around in my head…

I have to do something about it. This is my challenge and my call this year.. and the rest of my life.. to do my best to figure out how to fight this in my own life. This is why God has brought me to New Orleans, I’m certain of it.

I would be amiss if I did not mention sources I used in this blog:

Three Biblical Principles For Environmental Stewardship by: Dr. Calvin B. DeWitt

Love Your Neighbor by: Peter Sawtell Executive Director of Eco-Justice Ministries

The Green Bible Devotional: A Book of Daily Readings by: Harper Bibles

This blog strictly my opinion, and does not reflect the ideas of the YAV program, or the Presbyterian Church USA.

Beauty is only plaster deep.

This is a blog entry I wrote the first day I was in New Orleans.. just got around to posting it : )

I’m quickly falling for New Orleans I must say. I guess that means I believe in love at first sight, considering I’m sitting here at the end of only my first full day in the city. I haven’t even been to the French Quarter, or any other place that is iconic for that matter, I’ve just seen a lot of the real parts.

We walked to the church in front of our house, and on the way there was a really cool mural on a picket fence of a man playing a trumpet, and there was a verse:

Proverbs 3:27 Do not withhold good from those to who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.

Message Translation: Never walk away from someone who deserves help; your hand is God’s hand for that person.

We met a man named James who is a grounds keeper for the church. He was super friendly and had a lot to say. He was here when Hurricane Katrina hit…. in fact, he was barbecuing that day. He was apparently one of the thousands on the streets outside of the Super Dome after the devastation. He said he liked to tell his story to groups who came through, so they could know really why they are here.

This gave his story a purpose, and his story had power.

There were some wealthy people in certain neighborhoods that were getting bent out of shape about the appearance of their neighbor’s lawns after hurricane Katrina. Somehow their neighbor’s non manicured lawn affected them deeply enough to do something about it. So after these people complained enough, there were ordinances put in place by the city about how you should keep your lawn. If you didn’t cut your grass and it got a certain length, you got a $500 fine A DAY until it was cut. People had to leave their homes because of the damage from the hurricane.. and while they were gone the fines piled up. They were no longer able to come back because the fines were too much to handle, not to mention the fact they had a whole house to rebuild.. Missions teams are coming in and simply painting houses and mowing lawns.

So we go around putting bandaids on cancerous tumors…

The houses here for the most part are beautiful on the outside. The colors are bright and no two houses are the same. But if you were to open the front door of a lot of these houses, there would be nothing. No walls, no floors…. nothing. Just the massive destruction the Hurricane left behind. The problems these houses hold are wrapped up neatly with a bow, and hidden by the beautiful color and facade that is on the outside. Mission teams are coming in and simply disguising the problems.

This seems counter productive, and not helpful at all, but the thing is.. if these houses look on the outside like they do on the inside, the city simply comes through and levels them or repossesses them. If they don’t keep the lawn manicured, the fines pile on these people who can still barely keep there heads above the waters of Hurricane Katrina to this day….coming on 6 years later. So even though it seems they are putting a bandaid on a wound that needs surgery, this is a step that needs to be taken in order to move in the right direction.

I wonder what the inside of these houses.. and the heart of this city would look like if people actually listened and followed Proverbs 3:27. I wonder what each of our lives would look like if we actually lived that verse out in our lives. There wouldn’t be fines placed on destroyed homes and families… there would be neighbors going out and mowing each others lawns, no questions asked. We wouldn’t ignore the people who are empty and decaying inside. We wouldn’t just focus on their appearance, we would really be concerned with what’s going on inside.

There is potential for this Earth to be a beautiful place.. not just plaster deep. We just need to tap into the generosity that is asked of each of us.

Proverbs 3:27 Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.

This is definitely something for me to ponder while I’m in New Orleans.. and also the rest of my life. This city speaks, and has loads to teach me.

What’s in a name?

The sky made me cry tonight.

I stepped out into the thin, crisp Colorado air, and God had something to show me. The sky was bigger than I ever thought possible, and the stars twinkled, each trying to get my attention. The sky was so big that it made me feel tiny and insignificant. But in this feeling of insignificance, I felt the intense Love of God. I am so tiny, so small, so insignificant… but God has called me by name. He knows the amount of hairs on my head. He has entrusted me with His creation, and blessed me in an endless amount of ways. I am significant in my insignificance.

You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.

Just as God placed the stars in the sky, He placed me here on Earth. He knows my name. I am beautiful just like the stars… the very stars that brought me to tears, and so are you.

I went for a walk, and came to a labyrinth. I had never walked a labyrinth, and didn’t know the proper way to do it. but I did it anyways.

Tonight in our meeting we talked about how God is the Breathe of Life. That with every breath we breathe we speak the name of God, Yahweh.

Inhale Yah, exhale weh.

I decided as I did the labyrinth that every time I came to a turn in the path that I would stop, look up at the stars, and breathe in and out speaking the name of God. This would be a reminder at every turn of who was leading me down this path, and would be a refocusing for me of who created the path. I did this at every turn. I’d stop, plant my feet firmly on the ground, look up to the stars, and speak the name of God, Yahweh.

The path was confusing, it took longer than I thought. But if you’ve ever seen a labyrinth, you know that it’s circular, and it winds around a Center.

Stopping to remind myself of who is in control at every turn is the only way I will make it out of this twisted path with my sanity… speaking the name of the one who has so graciously called me by mine.

Come on Irene.

There’s a storm coming… you know it’s on it’s way, and you’re in it’s path. What do you do? How do you prepare? How do you face the storm knowing you’ll never be the same in it’s wake?

I’m in Stony Point, New York at YAV orientation, and I’m about to face a storm. It’s coming, I know it is, I’ve been waiting for it.. and I don’t know what to do. All of my anxieties, fears, and mixed emotions about the upcoming year have followed me here. They got on a plane to New York and met me here.

Fear. Sorrow. Love. Excitement. Joy. Peace. Uncertainty. Insecurity. Anxiety. Worry…. They overcame me.

The first day I woke up sick.. my throat was hurting, I felt horrible. I had a fever, my body ached and I was tired. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I started taking vitamin C to fight off this potential virus or infection. Vitamin C consumption was my job. It didn’t help. I was feeling worse. So I went to the doctor and he gave me antibiotics.

This is a terrible time to get sick.

Not only did all my mixed emotions meet me here, but a group of these amazing, beautifully spirited people  met me here as well.  There was potential for a lot of love and support and healing for me in these people… but I was contagious, I couldn’t be around them. It hurt to not be able to be fully present.

Meanwhile the storm makes it’s way up the coastline…

Days went on, and the antibiotics did nothing. I still felt terrible.. and the only thing that seemed to fix it was constantly taking Ibuprofen. Simply numbing the pain, but not fixing the cause.

I went into one of the many helpful, life altering seminars I’ve been in this week, feeling as I had the past few days. We were taking the Meyer’s Briggs test to find out, “What made us tick?” But a particular exercise we did will be one of those things that I will always remember.

We were told to write down major worries that were on our hearts on three separate index cards,  This was easy for me except for the fact that I had to sort through what seemed thousands of worries to narrow them down to three. I ended up with (in no particular order)….

1. I’m worried of losing my job (financial security) and also losing my skills as a designer this year. (job security). As you can tell with this first worry, I had stacked it up with multiple layers of worries, each with their own depth.

2. I’m worried about keeping up with friends and family.
I’m scared that I’m going to lose touch with some friends, and that I’m not going to have the time I want to keep in touch with my family.

3. I’m worried about being alone.
This fear is not just for the YAV year, I’m just scared that I’m some how going to end up alone.

So as you can see, these fears are intense and deep.. and very personal. and I felt just fine writing them down on these index cards, I figured we were going to tear them up or something cliche like that. No one else would be able to see them, and I would deal with them myself.

Nope. That’s not how this went. The speaker said to get into small groups of 5. Oh no.. That meant I probably had to share my fears, and my worries…. This made me sick to my stomach, but if I only had to share them, I guess I could make it.

The speaker continued: I want you to each take turns sharing your worries with your group, and then I want three in the group to each pick one of your fears and personify it. They would be the voice for that fear. One person left over in the group would be the “God voice”. When it was your turn your fears were divvied up and you would have to withstand the voices. The speaker had a timer, and for a minute, the three people with your worries would yell at you everything that you were scared of, and portray your worries as truth. The one “God voice” would speak the Truth to you, and attempt to overpower the voices of your fears. This person was the only one that could touch you, and they could get right in your ear.

WOW. I was in a group with 2 people that I had barely just met, one that I had known for 4 days, and one good friend that I’ve known for a few years.

This activity scared me to death.

The activity started, and I had to yell at someone I barely knew that they weren’t worth anything. That they would not succeed in their year. and they would make no friends. I had to tell them that they would make everyone around them angry and therefore be isolated. The words were bitter and stung as they left my mouth. I could barely breathe. As I looked at the person I was assaulting with terrible lies, they were emotional and clinging to the “God voice” next to them. I watched as near strangers held on to each other for support.

It came down to me, and I had to share my worries. It was difficult to even say them out loud. My roommate for New Orleans was my God voice. I had known her for 4 days. The minute began. I heard the worry voices. People yelling:

This year will do nothing for your design career.

You will not be able to find a job in the design world.

You will lose all important relationships.

You will be isolated and a stranger when you return home.

You will be alone.

No one wants you.

Who would want to spend a life with you?

It’s harsh isn’t it? But for some reason those voices didn’t sting, they didn’t pierce me in any way. I had my roommate with her arm around me, shielding out these voices with

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

You are never alone.

Do not be afraid.

It’s interesting how we can easily be that harsh on ourselves. The thoughts we have in our heads, and the lies we tell ourselves every day are just as bad if not worse.  I couldn’t tell other people the same thing I tell myself all the time.  Once the words hit the air, they sounded ridiculous. I’d been that harsh on myself but it is ridiculous. These voices in my head had made me physically sick.

I saw strangers holding each other up, and speaking the truth of Christ into each others lives. In the midst of violent gusts of insults and lies, God’s voice was received and believed. It was beautiful. It was a picture of how it would be if we were to ignore the voices of doubt in our heads and embrace the words God speaks to us constantly.

I began to feel a little better. Not just that some of my mixed emotions were silenced, but physically I felt a little better.

The storm is still headed this way.

This week has been a lot to take in, a lot of emotions, a lot of thoughts, a lot of information… just a lot. I began to get confused, having thoughts I didn’t recognize. These many emotions that followed me here have been swirling around me, fogging my mind and the Truth that I say I hold at the center of my being. But I know there is a calm in the middle. There is a place where I can meet God in the center of all the mess swirling around me, and I can be at peace. He is continually speaking Truth in the eye of the storm. I just have to meet him there, and not get lost in the swirling mess.

I had all these feelings that I let consume me. They made me feel physically sick. I was holding on to them and getting lost spinning around the calm where God was standing ready to speak truth into my life.

I know the storm of this year is heading right towards me. My life will never be the same, I will be forever changed.. it’s ok if I’m afraid, but I’m not going to let the swirling mess overtake me and cause me to forget who I am. I will hold strong and meet God in the center of it all.

Come on Irene, bring it on. I’m ready now.

On the Brink.

I leave for New Orleans 2 weeks from tomorrow.

I think I might need to say that again…. to add emphasis, but also to remind myself that this is real, and not just a dream.

I leave for New Orleans 2 weeks from tomorrow.

WHAT??

I’m on the brink of something huge, I can feel it in my bones. I feel the potential for newness, for adventure, for excitement surging through me and out of my fingertips as I type this.

I’ve never approached a time like this in my life before.. It’s as if my calendar is an ocean that ends, a force of water that plummets off the edge of the Earth as if it were flat. A waterfall into the abyss that is this mysterious year I am about to begin… my future. August 18th is where all my plans for myself come to an end. I have NO idea what to expect. I have NO idea what’s next. It’s exciting and new.

It’s terrifying.

Is this what it feels like to step out in faith? Is this the excitement God talks about in the Bible? The stuff that makes life REALLY life? The substance, the lifeyness that I have been missing? Maybe so. Or maybe it’s just the fact that ignorance is bliss, and I am enjoying not knowing what this next year holds. Whatever it is, I’m in a tiny sailboat, that’s about to reach the end.

I’m on the brink, and I think this is gonna be good. Stay tuned.

I’m looking forward to God’s breath taking my tiny boat right off the edge : )

Letting go.

Today was clean out the house for a yard sale day. It’s crazy how much stuff you can accumulate over a short period of time. It’s also crazy how attached you can get to the smallest stuff.

For example.. I have this little solid purple shirt that I wore with my campus ministry during intramural games. There is nothing on it. I think I got it from Walmart.. and it’s not even a likeable purple. But, when I went to throw it in the yard sale pile, my heart sank a bit.

This shirt stood for so many good times out on the football, soccer, and softball fields. It stood for the friendships I formed at PSF, the late night games I dreaded so much but ended up having a blast. It stood for those late night runs to dairy queen after a game, and all the laughter we’d share.

Good grief.

All of a sudden throwing out this purple shirt was equated to throwing out all of these memories, all of these friendships. It was as if I was stomping on all of these memories. Some how this shirt became like Woody or Buzz getting thrown in the attic.. betrayed and completely abandoned.

Why can’t I let go?

There are so many things in life that comfort me. There are so many things in life that have stayed constant for as long as I can remember, but a lot of those things are going to change. A lot of those comforts are going to be left behind when I go to Louisiana. A lot of things are going to fade, or get thrown out as I move forward in my life.

I guess right now I’m just clinching tight to everything I can. Every little thing that comforts me, reminds me of who I am, and this journey I’ve taken while in Murfreesboro and in college. I’m clinging to my friends and family… scared that I just can’t get enough of them.

So where will my comfort be when I leave? The only one I’m not leaving behind is God.

But why do I use the word only? Like…. well I guess I’ve only got God here with me.. ohh well, maybe I’ll make it..

NOOO!!!!!

The God who created the universe and everything beautiful will be right there with me as I enter this new phase of my life. God will be introducing me to new purple shirts : ))))) God will be making things new in every aspect of my life.

God has gotten me through every transition thus far… he is the master of making things new. With His help I’ll be able to let go of the things I’m clinging to so tightly to comfort me, and the things that keep me in a static place. With His help I’ll cut these ties and be able to move forward.

All of this reminds me of an awesome song I sang in church a couple of Sundays ago.

You make all things new, and I will follow you forward!

SO if God is pulling me in this direction, it’s ok to let go of some things. Just gotta follow him forward.

Needless to say, that purple shirt is sitting in my trunk, ready to head to the yard sale on Saturday : )

Fixing My Eyes

Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

So….. I’m leaving Tennessee and moving to New Orleans. I’ve never been there, and the thought of living somewhere other than Tennessee is pretty terrifying. There are so many things that are still unknown in this process, and I’m having to just let go of control. (surely this is God’s doing) : )

As of right now, I think I’ll be working with CHART (Center for Hazards Assessment and Response Technologies). http://chart.uno.edu/

There are a lot of environmental issues going on in New Orleans that are being swept under the rug and ignored. I’ll be working as an investigate journalist, giving a voice to the people who are being affected by the issues, shedding light on these issues, and informing people of a way to help.

Pretty awesome huh? I’m really excited about it!

However, as I think about moving to New Orleans and working as an investigative journalist, there are a lot of fears and anxieties surfacing in my life that are competing for my attention, my time, my energy…. my everything. I could sit here and type out a list of all of the fears, issues, and concerns I have… but it would never end, and I’d be giving those fears more power over me.

Change is so hard.

Why is that though? I know that God is right here with me. I know that God will not forsake me if I keep focused on him. I know God will bring me through anything. I know these things, but I don’t act like it. I let these fears and anxieties rule my life. That’s me not putting trust in God. That’s me breaking eye contact with him. 

I never want to take my eyes off of His. They are beautiful, they are perfect, they never fail me. His eyes dim the things of this world that distract me. If I really focus on him, these fears will become completely irrelevant.

So I have nothing to be afraid of. I’m going to fix my eyes.

I’m looking forward to things growing strangely dim.